What you could have learned this week : Feb 25-29, 2024
Spend more time implementing wisdom, not collecting it.
Actionable Wisdom Newsletter - Feb 25-29, 2024
Huberman Lab Podcast
Episode - Dr. Becky Kennedy: Protocols for excellent parenting and improving relationships
Parenting is about sturdiness (equally warm and firm) and setting boundaries while doing it all with empathy.
Boundaries can’t be based on requests. Example - Don’t create rules that lack clear instruction and consequences. Don’t ask kids to stop watching TV (we as adults are bad at it too). Tell them to turn off the TV and if they don’t by the time you get there you will snatch the TV and turn it off. Let the kid be upset after that. That’s how they learn how to regulate emotions, by dealing with it.
Confidence is self-trust. Validate your kids’ feelings in the moment but don’t let them dictate the boundaries.
‘I believe you’ are the three most important words you can say to your children.
Minor instances of trauma (not sexual assault etc) can be attributed to confusion over who is responsible. Trauma is how an incident is internalized, usually in a maladaptive way.
Before reconciling with your kid after yelling at them, take a moment to tell yourself that you are a good parent who just had a bad moment.
If your kid is mean to you, a possible response is - I believe you and I believe you can say that to me in a different way. Or say nothing and allow the child to reconsider what they just said.
Tell your kids, ‘I am not scared of your feelings’. I see them and I believe that they are important to you.
Kids would often push you away when they need you the most.
Because of social media, the cost of not setting boundaries has never been higher. This is a must-do for parents.
Make your kids earn their dopamine hit (IPAD time for instance). Sometimes, insert frustration (the movie they want to watch is not available so they have to deal with that feeling). Kids have to learn how to regulate frustration in an instant gratification culture. The inability to regulate frustration leads to the feeling of entitlement. Entitlement is the deep fear of frustration. This leads to learning because the process of learning is frustrating. Whilst feeling frustration, tell your kids that frustration is exactly how they should be feeling at that stage.
Make your kids do hard things. Everyday.
Use these phrases -‘ I am noticing’ or ‘I am wondering’. For example, I am noticing you are stressed about your upcoming test.
If something worked, instead of saying ‘I told you it will work if you did what I told you’, ask what they took away from the experience. For example, ask ‘What was it that led you to do well in that test’.
Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of emotions. Allow your kids to experience a wide range of emotions i.e. frustrated, excited, anxious, worried as opposed to only two categories - good vs. bad. Use different, nuanced labels for emotions so the kids learn the difference between excitement vs. anxiety.
_____________________________________________
Tim Ferris Show with Cal Newport
Episode - Claire Hughes Johnson: Building Stripe from 160 to 6000+ employees - How to take radical ownership of your life
A key part of a leader’s job is to observe intently before acting. Or observing a thing that seems like a bad practice and calling it out.
Open the aperture of the conversation, and ask questions to clarify your assumptions. This also detoxifies your brain from emotional baggage.
Victim Vs. Player:Â detect someone with agency. Victim- passes on the ownership rather than owning it. Players take full responsibility, especially for bottlenecks downstream that they could have managed better.
When troubleshooting for root causes, either go to the balcony (high-level meta view/zoom out) or go to the basement (look for specific details or nuance).
Use the 5 whys model to dig deeper.
Read fiction books to learn about human experience deeply. Ted Chiang’s short stories are a great start.
‘Working with me’ manual. It’s an exercise in self-awareness that can help manage others and make working with others more pleasant and efficient. Read more at insights-working-with-claire
Make the implicit, explicit. Discover, and uncover. What are we measuring, and why are we measuring it for example?
Strive to set clear expectations with people.
Create space before you say Yes or commit to doing something in the future. Re-negotiate your existing commitments esp. if they are causing anxiety.
Most choices you make ask for a trade-off between your time and money.
Leadership is also disappointing people at a rate they can absorb. Leaders have to say No, often. Saying No to people wanting your time, money, referrals, etc.
_____________________________________________
Asian Productivity Podcast
Episode - Priorities
Happiness = enjoy the passage of time
Rigidity can be detrimental. Reassess and refine your productivity frameworks frequently.
Time poverty - Why do we work less these days (statical average) yet feel like we don’t have enough time to get things done?
5 productivity tips: 1) Say no more often. 2) track your time/activity or how much you get done in a day at least one day/week. Breakdown which tasks take how much time. This helps with batching and workload management. 3) Track your progress. This helps with setting realistic goals and motivation (helps you see how much you are ‘getting done’.) 4) outsource your chores 5) Block your time esp. for important tasks. This restricts distractions.
_____________________________________________
Deep dive with Ali Abdaal
Episode - Difference between healthy and toxic relationships
Components to deep, lasting attraction: 1) chemistry 2) perceived value 3) perceived challenge 4) connection.
Chemistry is mostly physical or behavioral attraction.
Perceived value - how a person enriches your life, overall.
Perceived challenge - not how ‘hard to get’ someone is. This is testing someone’s ability to stand by you through challenging times.
Look for Admiration, Connection, Commitment, and Compatibility.
Have a set of thoughtfully crafted questions for your date that help you uncover the real person. Example - what’s something you have invested time in consistently that you are bad at? This may tell you that they have a growth mindset or a process mindset (good things take hard work and time to build). This one quality alone can be critical to a relationship.
After a date, ask if that person brought the best in you. Are their strengths complementary to yours? Did they energize you or de-energize you?
F*ck the spark, go after the slow burn. The initial spark can be misleading. Charisma can be misinterpreted as compatibility. Look for things that will feel like a long-term relationship (the long spark). To uncover this, go on at least 2 dates before you decide on a person.
After an argument, ask your partner 1) what is their perspective on the situation and 2) what was their trigger i.e. did they feel abandoned, disrespected, etc which led to their behavior/argument. Give it some time before you do it - not right away. Allow time for processing.
Post argument, go for a walk, or sit back to back with each other and discuss the situation openly. The setting is important.
Relationship audit - make it fun. It’s not a performance review. The vibe needs to be ‘How’s it going and where do you want this to go next’.
Some questions for the audit - 1) What went well in our relationship this month/quarter/year? 2) what didn’t go well and why? 3) when did you feel respected, loved, or appreciated? 4) what can I do better? where can I help? 5) was there a moment where I said or did something to make you feel bad about who you are as a person?
Great relationships have together-together time (doing stuff together) and together-alone time (close physically but doing your own thing). The goal is to spend Quality time together, not just be together.
_____________________________________________
The Greg McKeown Podcast
Episode - Think Remarkable with Guy Kawasaki
It doesn’t matter what motivates you, it matters that you are motivated.
Bozo explosion: A players hire A players. B players hire C players because they want to look good. C players hire D players, so on and so forth. That’s a bozo explosion.
Guy Kawasaki left Apple twice (this is back when Steve Jobs was running it) & passed on becoming Yahoo’s CEO when Yahoo was a small start-up. Should you listen to this guy’s advice?
Try new things. Cultivate a ‘growth mindset.’ Choosing not to grow or try new things is still a choice.
Correlation is often not causation. Steve Jobs wasn’t a genius because he wore a turtle neck or NB shoes. Model the right things.
Focus on getting it right, not being right.
Be prepared to completely rethink your strongest beliefs.
_____________________________________________
I hope this was helpful.
Much Love,
PM