The real reason you aren't happy and how to finally fix that in 2025
The problem: You are unhappy because of these two reasons:
You find happiness via social comparison, i.e., where do you stand compared to your peers, neighbors, etc?
In the world of social media, the circle of social comparison has expanded beyond manageable. Your brain went from comparing to a few hundred people in your local surroundings to comparing yourself to the rest of the world and highlights of their 'perfect' life on social media.
The result: You are, at best, becoming an Insecure and unhappy overachiever
The Fix: Make happiness an internal game. You haven't learned that happiness is intrinsic. You decided that the formula to happiness starts with a sentence that sounds like ….when you have x, you will be happy. How many times have you lived through that already? How many times have you crossed that finish line where you achieved the ____, and here you are, still searching for the next thing, desperately hoping it will magically make you happy?
Understand that happiness doesn’t come from that chase. Happiness is an internal state when thewanting is dimmed to a lower volume. You are at peace with what is and where you are.
Until you make that shift, your happiness will be driven by comparison. That's a lost cause because your brain will keep finding others with 'better' this or better that.
In addition, be careful how you define success. If complete and ultimate success is the only metric, then everything else is failure.
Goal setting is critical, and most people get it wrong.
You set audacious goals. Be a millionaire. Be a size 0. Loose 50 lbs. Find the perfect partner.
That’s the wrong approach.
The only goal should be this. In any given area, aim to be a little bit better today than you were yesterday.
Keep repeating that. Give it your best, and then let go and enjoy the ride.
Do not ignore the last part - because, simply put, life is about enjoying the passage of time.
If you become a size zero millionaire with the ‘perfect’ partner, but you were miserable getting there and still miserable, then none of it is worth it.
And if you are brave enough to do some mental gymnastics, consider the following:
Maybe you are not supposed to be happy. Perhaps you are meant to try as hard as possible and then be at peace with whatever happens. This way, you are not chasing happiness at all; you are searching for inner peace, regardless of what the world throws at you.
I hope you implement some of this, at the very least, stop or minimize the social comparisons.
Be well,
PM
Sources:
Tim Ferriss Podcast episode #777
Modern Wisdom episode #873
A bit of Optimism Podcast with Simon Senek Episode with Prof. Robert Waldinger